


Where The Dragonflies Fly

by classichysteria



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-31 11:30:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20114398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/classichysteria/pseuds/classichysteria
Summary: Dan took his new friend to where the dragonflies fly, Phil didn’t know this was where Dan would stay.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I hate this, I really do.

2nd January 2010.

Alex watched as the scenery became greener and the buildings became fewer, his long-ish hair blowing in the wind that came through the slightly open window.

That was it.

His childhood home was no more.

His hometown was just a little village in the distance, one that held no meaning. One that no one cared about, one that a bypass should be next to.

He pulled out his phone, sending a quick text to Phil to tell him he was gone. He doubted he’d ever see Phil in the flesh again, there wasn’t really going to be a chance to, as he said. That village held no meaning, none of his family or friends lived there, his college would be in the big city, miles away.

He was excited to go though, it was a new chapter. One away from all the bad memories that stained his hometown.

No longer would his heart hurt when he walked by the graveyard, or the house across from Phil’s. Because he wouldn’t be seeing those things where he was going.

There was a few things he’d miss, the park and the pizza, the bugs and his massive back garden, the Howells and the Lesters. He would miss two things specifically, two boys and a few bugs.

But he knew wherever he went, where the dragonflies fly would stay put. Forgotten or remembered, it wouldn’t move.

He smiled as the sun got brighter, things were looking up.  
He was happy,  
his life was good,  
Phil was happy,  
Dan wasn’t suffering and neither was Jack.  
Things couldn’t have been better.

His smile grew larger as a dragonfly landed on his arm, it felt like a goodbye from Dan and Jack.

“And if I ever need to say something, there’ll be a dragonfly, I’ll be waiting for you where the dragonflies fly.” He thought. Alex could vividly see Dan saying that.

But where do the dragonflies fly? 

This is where the dragonflies fly;


	2. One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suicide/Self harm trigger warning for the rest of the book!!

July 20th 2008.

It was cold for July, he could tell from the breeze coming through his bedroom window. And his little brother’s moans.  
“Shut the fucking window!” Was the first thing Dan heard from Jacob as he burst in the door after the half hour he spent skateboarding.  
“Jacob! Did you see the new kid?!” Ethan yelled up to them, he was stood at the bottom of the stairs.  
“Yeah! He was out playing pokémon with some other kid!” Jacob yelled down at him.  
“What new kid?” Dan asked, unsure as to why someone with children would move to a Scottish village dominated by moody pensioners.  
“Ginger, English kid.”  
“Oh. How old do you think he is?”  
“Dunno, your age? He looks a wee bit gay though.”  
Dan, despite being eleven months older than Jacob, had no idea what gay meant, he knew it was a bad thing, some sort of insult. His little brother’s favourite insult.  
Dan picked himself up off his bed and walked out of his room, leaving Jacob himself.

“Daniel? Where are you going?” His nan asked as he entered the living room.  
“Don’t think he knows himself, his hair covers his eyes. He looks like a girl.” Ethan mumbled from the sofa.  
“Park.” Dan said, quickly making his way out the door.  
He hit a sprint once he had left his front garden, his spindly eleven year old legs going as fast as they could to reach the end of the small road where the little park sat.  
He pushed the metal gate open, walking over to the swings where “ginger English” kid was sat, clearly emerged in his dimly lit gameboy advance sp screen.  
He sat down, holding the chains and looking over the other boy’s shoulder.  
“Hey.” He said.  
“Woah, who are you?” The boy laughed.  
“Daniel Howell. Who are you, English wean?” Dan laughed, he had taken a liking to this boy already.  
“I’m Phil, where you from?”  
“Fifteen Patricks Road.”  
“Lucky, I’m number fourteen.” Phil smiled at him. “So what kinda things do you like, Danny?”  
“Pokémon, Muse, blink-182.”  
“Me too! I love Matt Bellamy an unhealthy amount.” Phil shut his gameboy, smiling at Dan again, his eyes were so bright and blue and filled with happiness.  
“He is pretty, in a way.” Dan said.  
“Boys can’t be pretty.” Phil said, mocking Dan in a way.  
“Yes they can. Anyone can be pretty.” Dan laughed.  
Phil admired Dan, his long brown hair blew in the wind, it was clearly straightened, the bottom touched the end of his neck with his fringe passing his lips, it was swept to the side, lightly covering one of his eyebrows. His eyelashes were long and thick, they looked like a pair of manicured girls’ ones. His eyes were a deep brown, with hundreds of freckles lying beneath them and his lips were a soft pink colour.  
Phil had short ginger hair, practically highlighter orange. His fringe barely touching his eyebrows and the sides not even a centimetre past the tips of his ears. His eyes were mainly blue with yellow and green mixed in. His skin was pale, paler than Dan’s. Traces of sunburn were all over Phil’s face.  
“Do you have any brothers or sisters?” Dan asked, breaking the silence.  
“No, you?”  
“Si-five. Two brothers, three sisters and I hate them all.”  
“Why?” Phil asked.  
“My two older sisters, Jemma and Isabelle never stop arguing or just talking, it drives me insane. My little sister, Emily. Is three months old and she never stops crying. Ethan and Jacob are loud and mean, they share a room with me and i’m pretty sure they hate everyone but themselves. Jack was the nicest, he was my best friend. He was the best brother in the entire universe ever.”  
“How old are you?” Phil asked.  
“Eleven, you?” Dan was sort of happy Phil never asked about Jack, yet.  
“Twelve.”  
“When is your birthday?”  
“January 30th.”  
“Nice, mine’s June 11th.”  
“Daniel! Daniel!” Someone yelled, it took a few seconds for Dan to register that it was his older sister. “You’ve to come in for dinner!”  
Dan missed when it was Jack who would always call him back, if they weren’t together of course, Jack wouldn’t shout. He’d run to wherever Dan was and give him a piggyback ride home.  
“So that’s your sister, I’m guessing?” Phil said.  
“Yeah. Jemma.”  
“I guess I’ll see you ‘round then, bye Danny.” Phil said, turning his gameboy back on as Dan got off the swing beside him.  
Dan quite liked it that Phil had given him a nickname, everyone always called him Daniel. Well, apart from Jack. Jack always called him Dan or Danny. Mainly Danny.  
His little hands wrapped around the cold metal of the gate as he swung it open, Phil shut his gameboy and got off the swing and began walking. He got to the gate by the time Dan had crossed the road into their street.

“Phil’s back!” Phil’s cousin, Laura yelled up to his mum from the hallway.  
“Why are you here?” He asked, waking through to the living room.  
“I’m helping doofus, who was that kid you were with?”  
“Daniel Howell.”  
“He was with Jack’s brother!” She shouted up.  
“Jacob or Ethan?!” His mum shouted back.  
“Who was it?” Laura asked.  
“Daniel.”  
“Daniel!” She yelled.  
“Who’s Jack?” Phil asked.  
“Y’know, Jack Howell?”  
“No that’s why i’m asking.”  
“Uh, he was friends with Caleb and Calum. He died last summer.” She explained.  
“How did he die? How could Daniel’s brother be that old?” He asked, confused.  
“He wasn’t old, Phil. He was fifteen. Two years younger than I am right now.”  
“Then how did he die?” The little boy was confused, how could someone so young die.  
“He killed himself.”  
“Yeah, I didn’t know people your age did that.”  
He knew he shouldn’t ask Danny about it but he wanted to, he wanted to know everything about him.

“Finally the man himself is back!” Ethan shouted at Dan as he walked into the living/dining room where everyone was sat eating dinner. Everyone except Jack.  
“Fuck off.” Dan mumbled as he sat down.  
“Daniel your sister called you an hour ago.” His mum said.  
“He was with his boyfriend.” Jacob mocked.  
“I don’t date boys.” Dan grumbled.  
“Who was Sam then?” Ethan laughed.  
“A friend.” Dan said.  
“Who you kissed on my bed?” Jacob said, stuffing his face with more pasta.  
“What did Daniel do?” Their dad chimed in, angry that his son supposedly kissed/dated another boy.  
“Nothing.” Dan said, grabbing his plate and cutlery, getting out of his chair and leaving the house.  
He didn’t care about how stupid he looked, he just wanted out of that goddamn house. When Jack was with them he’d never let things go like this, without Jack Dan had no armour.  
He sat on the swing he was in earlier when he was with Phil, when he felt slightly less alone.  
Weird how a stranger feels more like home than your own family do. Phil made Dan feel the same was Sam did. And Sam made him want to live, just like Jack did. Just like Phil might.  
It had been half a year since Sam had to leave. A year since Jack left. Jack could still be here, unlike Sam, he didn’t need to leave.  
He missed being protected by his brother and he missed Sam’s warm hugs.  
“Why are you out here this late?” A voice asked from behind him, he sat his plate on the floor and looked up, it was Phil.  
“My brothers made my dad angry.” It was vague but true. His dad was beyond pissed at him. Dan breathed in, “they said I kissed a boy.”  
“Well, did you?” Phil asked, sitting on the swing next to Dan.  
“Yes? Is that a bad thing?”  
“I don’t think so?”  
“Danny, are you Jack’s brother?” Phil asked, he knew he was but he wanted to hear it from Dan. He wanted to know about this mysterious “Jack Howell”.  
“Yeah.” The other boy answered, all happiness draining from his voice.  
“He was friends with my cousins.” 

Phil’s cousins were Scottish and had lived in this village for a while, Caleb and Calum becoming good friends with the oldest boy from the family who lived two houses down. They moved back to Manchester, where Phil lived and grew up, the summer Jack died.

“Why didn’t you tell me about him?” Phil knew the answer but something about hearing Dan talk about something he was interested in made his heart do that flippy over thing. Not that everything Dan said wasn’t interesting.

“Come with me.” Dan said, grabbing Phil’s hand and dragging him out of the park. Dan let go and began sprinting, Phil followed. 

After around ten minutes of running Dan stopped in front of a graveyard gate, “we need to climb the fence.” He said to Phil who was stood behind him.  
Dan got to the top and helped Phil up, they jumped down together.  
Dan walked ahead with Phil’s hand tight in his, he took a left, then a right, then another left before he stopped in front of one of the newest looking graves.  
Without letting go of Phil’s hand he sat down, Phil sitting beside him.  
Phil watched Dan’s small finger trace the lettering on the grave’s surface.

Jack Logan Howell  
December 31st 1991 - July 15th 2007  
Aged 15  
A beloved son, brother, friend and lover.

There were flowers, teddies, letters and cds surrounding the stone.  
“What was he like?” Phil asked, this time he didn’t know the answer.  
“Uh, his hair was thick, bleached blonde, his eyes were more brown than mine and he tanned all year round. Even in the snow. He was caring, he would’ve died for everyone. When he loved you, you’d know. He’d always remind you, give you little gifts and hangout with you. He was funny too, and fearless. He’d walk on the edge of cliffs, go on the tallest and scariest rides, he did everything that a normal person would be scared to do.  
He always protected me when people tried to hurt me.” Something told Phil that Dan could go on for hours about his brother, he could see that Dan adored Jack. He looked up to him and wanted to be him.  
Phil wanted to hug him and tell him that things would be fine and that he’d try and give him what Jack should be.

Dan wouldn’t usually tell people about Jack and what happened, hell, he didn’t tell people shit about shit. It wasn’t their business. And it wasn’t like they cared anyway, but Phil was different. Over the past few hours Dan knew this, he made him feel safe, he knew he was truly listening when Dan spoke. Hopefully Phil would give him what Jack did.

“I miss him a lot, he was the only person that liked me, the only person who stood by my side when my brothers said something. He fought for me, even while he fought for himself.” Dan said, breaking the silence.  
“His girlfriend must’ve been lucky.” Phil said, looking at the “lover” part of his gravestone.  
“They loved each other a lot, like a lot, a lot. Her name was Lillie Gaskarth, I think she still lives down the lane next to number eighteen but I haven’t heard from her or her family since the week before Jack died. She changed her name to Alexander and Jack kept calling her his boyfriend. My family didn’t like that so they cut contact with her and her family.” Dan explained. “I was friends with her but she’s like sixteen and without the excuse of her being my brother’s girlfriend or boyfriend, hanging out with a sixteen year old is a bit weird.”

Dan and Phil stopped talking and after a while both of them had fallen asleep.

Dan woke up just before sunrise, the dew soaking his back. The dragonflies climbing over the top of Jack’s grave as usual. He’d fallen asleep in here a few times but never with someone beside him. Phil’s ginger hair was pressed to his forehead, Dan could hear his soft breaths.  
He began humming the lyrics to a song Alexander and Jack wrote. It was called A Daydream Away, he was sure Alexander wrote it for Jack but he didn’t know for sure.  
Jack was a great guitar player and Alexander had the prettiest voice ever. They could’ve been the best musicians the world had ever seen.

Dan continued watching the dragonflies and humming the tunes to various songs his brother had showed him or played for him.  
Eventually his eyelids felt heavy again and he was sleeping by Phil under the dragonflies.  
“This is happiness.” He thought.

Dan and Phil awoke around noon, that’s what Dan guessed because at noon every day a girl left flowers on the grave next to Jack’s.  
“Did we really sleep here? My parents are going to kill me.” Phil laughed.  
“Not if they don’t know.” Dan propped himself up on his elbow.  
“Danny, I’m covered in dead dragonflies and my shirt is soaking.” He smiled up at Dan.  
Dan laughed, “y’know you kinda remind me of Jack.”  
“How?”  
“You’re so nice.”  
“You’ve known me for a day, Danny.” Phil laughed, turning around to face Dan.  
“Yeah but you’re nice. I knew my brothers were assholes from the day they were born.” Dan smiled, looking into Phil’s eyes.  
“I like your dimple.” Phil said, poking the small indent on the other boy’s face.  
“I like your eyes.” Dan smiled. He paused, “Do you think Alexander remembers me?”  
“Maybe we could find out.”  
“So you think we’re just gonna walk into some guy’s house because we think they dated my brother and might remember me?” Dan laughed.  
“Yes!” Phil laughed, standing up and grabbing Dan’s hand.  
They didn’t have to climb the fence this time as the graveyard was actually open since it wasn’t eleven at night anymore.

Even when they were in their own street they never let go of each other’s hands. There was a sense of comfort in the feeling of another hand in yours.

They stood outside of Alexander’s house for a good twenty minutes considering every option of what to do. Eventually they just said fuck it and chapped the door, a tall teenage boy with patchily dyed long hair opened it.  
“You’re Jack’s brother, right? Dan?” He said, Dan nodded and smiled.  
“Alexander?”  
“Hey you remembered!” Alex leaned down and hugged the younger boy. “Who’s this?” Alex motioned to Phil.  
“My friend, Phil.”  
“Oh yeah, Laura’s cousin. Now I know you aren’t serial killers, you can come in.” He laughed, shutting the door behind them.

Alex’s house was warm and homey. It smelt like scented candles.  
The older boy guided Dan and Phil up to his room.  
“So what brings you here, Dan, Phil?” Alex asked as he sat on his bed.  
“I wanted to know if you remembered me and Phil kept asking about Jack.”  
“One, of course I remember you! Jack never shut up about you! And two, I’m the encyclopaedia of Jack Logan Howell, ask away mate.”  
“What did he look like?” Phil asked curiously as his eyes scanned the various pictures on Alex’s wall.  
Alex leaned over, pulling a photo of a girl with long, brown hair kissing a boy with short, bleached and black emo hair off his wall.  
“That’s me and Jack in June 2006, so just about two years ago. I’m the girl and Jack’s the boy who looks like he has seagull shit for hair.” Alex smiled, he was still clearly fond of Jack. He stuck the photo back up before grabbing one of a little girl sat next to a little boy on a hospital bed, the boy was holding a newborn baby. “That’s me and Jack the day Dan was born.”  
Phil took the photo from Alex’s hand, Jack looked just like a younger version of Dan. Curly brown hair, brown eyes and a smile that was so bright it could be an entire Christmas display.  
Alex picked down another one, this time it was a girl and two boys at some sort of concert, one of the boys was clearly Jack as he looked exactly like Dan. “That’s Jack, me and our friend Rian when we saw blink-182. November twenty-third, two thousand and three. We were the same age as you are now.” Alex explained.  
The three boys sat looking through photos for hours and by the end of it, Phil knew he had found his new best friends.


	3. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suicide/self harm warning

August 18th 2008.

July went fast with more sunny days in the park and late nights in the graveyard followed by watching the dragonflies in the hot summer mornings. August started with a barbecue at Alex’s and then on the eighteenth, school started back up. It was Phil’s first day at this School, Dan wasn’t going to this one but luckily Alex was.   
Alex and Phil were older than Dan meaning they’d have to get a train to the city every morning whereas Dan got the luxury of a two minute walk.

“Wake up, you wee queer.” Ethan said, shaking Dan’s shoulders. “We have school in a hour.” He spat before leaving.  
School. The word struck fear into Dan’s heart. He was the only one in his family who wasn’t popular, the only one who didn’t yell and spit at people who they thought looked “queer”. His parents were nice enough, they hated “queers” (what ever they were) but they were nice.  
It would be around now that Jack would come tiredly up the stairs with his and Dan’s cornflakes but with Jack six feet under, he had to make his own and eat with his five other siblings.

Dan sighed and sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. He got up and jogged downstairs.  
“Daniel, put some clothes on!” His mum shouted at him in his boxers.  
“I wanted food.” He said, grabbing a banana and running back up the stairs.

Phil’s morning was different, he woke up to Tom Delonge yelling about someone being the voice inside his head. He immediately turned around and shut his alarm off.  
August eighteenth, two thousand and eight.  
His first day at secondary school. He wasn’t looking forward to the twenty minute walk to the train station for the half hour ride and then the ten minute bus ride to his school.  
But he was looking forward to seeing Alex, even if it was just for the journey there and back and maybe lunch.

He got up and walked to the bathroom, stripping himself of his clothes before taking a shower. Ten minutes later and he was dry and getting dressed.  
He had toast and butter for breakfast and he walked to Alex’s all before he’d even seen movement through Dan’s bedroom window. But to be fair Dan only had a two minute walk and he had to use like every mode of public transport he could think of.

Alex stumbled out of the house as Phil stood in his front garden, waiting.   
“And he finally gets his jeans on!” Phil laughed.  
“Not my fault the only size of suitable jeans were far too small!” Alex laughed as they began walking, “is Danny up yet?” He asked.  
“Not yet, I don’t think.”

Dan was up. But he was also trying to get his socks from his dog who had clearly put one of them somewhere in the back garden and had the other stuck in his mouth.  
“Dave! Give it back!” He pleaded. The dog just started legging it to the garden. An hour later he was thirty minutes late for school but he had two socks now. Progress, ladies and gentlemen, progress.  
He quickly chucked on his converse and bolted it to his school.

Phil was now sat in science, nothing much was happening, some kid called Austin? Apparently his name was spelt like Awsten or something? And a kid called Josh had been dyeing their hair in the toilets and got caught and yelled at though, that seemed kind of interesting.   
“Fucking hell.” A girl grumbled as she sat down in the empty seat next to Phil.  
“Ooooh Zara’s pissed.” A boy behind them laughed.  
“Fuck up, Barnes.” She threw him the bird and turned around. “You seen Alex Gaskarth? Oi ginger ninja, where’s Gaskarth?” Zara poked him.  
“Uh not since the bell went.” Phil mumbled.  
“I think you mean Lillie Gaskarth.” A group of boys laughed.  
“Fuck up, he could beat you all to death in an instant.”  
“Then maybe once I’m dead I could beat up her wee gay boyfriend.” Someone from the same group said.  
Phil was enjoying listening to the argument until someone brought up Jack. Dan’s Jack. The boy who meant so much to his best friend.  
“Actually I think Jack would beat you up a lot faster than you could beat him up.” Phil said.  
“Oh! It talks!” Someone laughed, Phil just rolled his eyes. When would this be over.

It was over seven hours later when he and Alex were stood at a train station.  
“You’re lucky, you only have a year left.” Phil said.  
“First year is incredibly shit but it gets better.” Alex replied. He had cried those last three words to Jack the day he died. God he missed his Jack.  
The boys stood in a comfortable silence as they awaited the train’s arrival.

Dan’s day was worse than Phil’s by a long shot. As soon as he walked in, teachers were yelling at him then when he was told to stand outside someone would walk past and punch him. He didn’t know why his classmates hated him, why his siblings constantly insulted him, why his mum never seemed to care about him or why his dad was so angry with him all the time. It made no sense at all.  
Sometimes Dan thought about how maybe things would be better if he joined Jack? But those thoughts were quickly shot down when he thought of Phil.  
He wouldn’t die for Phil, he’d love for him.

When Dan left the building the beating just got worse, someone called him gay and pushed him to the ground before kicking him for five minutes straight. But the people who did this to him weren’t the ones that got in trouble, no. He was.  
To everyone else, Daniel Howell was a trouble maker. A piece of shit.  
“Don’t hang out with that Daniel Howell, he’ll just get you in trouble!”  
“Don’t talk to Daniel, he’ll just fight you! That’s why he’s covered in bruises!”  
He wishes he could just be in the park, laughing and joking with Jack, Phil and Alex.

Eventually hell was over for all three boys. Then they were at Alex’s house playing mario kart and eating doritos.

That was how every school day went for the next two months.

October 19th 2008.

The nineteenth of October two thousand and eight was the day Dan Howell began to truly hate himself.

“Gay is a boy who fancies other boys.”

That line played over and over in his head. Gay was bad, he knew that. It was all he had ever been told. “Gays are bad people” this and “queers go to hell” that, it was all he was ever told. But before now he didn’t think anything of it, he wasn’t a bad person. Meaning, he wasn’t “gay” or “queer”.

But on the nineteenth day of the tenth month of two thousand and eight, Daniel James Howell realised he was gay. Well, he wouldn’t say he was completely gay, he liked girls and Phil. He liked girls and a boy. He didn’t just like boys, not that he hated anyone who only liked boys even though that was supposably a bad thing.

Alex and Phil had been waiting for Dan for Two hours. Phil had a bad feeling in his gut and Alex was starting to get one too.  
“You’re sure he’s coming? Right?” Alex asked.  
“I’m one hundred percent sure. He promised when we were at the graveyard yesterday and earlier today.” Phil said.  
“Have you hea-.” Alex was interrupted by the sound of sirens approaching. He had lived here his whole life and this was the second time he’d ever heard sirens this close, he’d learnt that sirens being close meant someone was seriously injured or dead.  
They immediately got up and watched out of Alex’s bedroom window, they could see the top of an ambulance drive up to Phil’s house. Both boys didn’t even bother putting on shoes before running in the cold October air to Phil’s house.

Once they got there though, they realised the ambulance was in fact, outside of Dan’s house. They frantically crossed the road. Phil stood and watched in shock as Alex panicked.

July 15th 2007.

Jack was crying again. It wasn’t a rare occurrence for the younger of the pair to be crying, but as regular as it was, it still hurt Alex. It still hurt Alex badly.  
He pulled Jack in tightly, “it gets better baby, it gets better I promise” Alex cried softly into Jack’s dyed blonde hair. He kissed his boyfriend’s red cheeks. “Everything will be fine, I won’t let anyone hurt you or Danny.”  
“I love you Alex.” Jack sobbed into Alex’s t-shirt before getting up, “I’m gonna go get some sleep.” 

That was the last time Alex ever saw Jack.

Jack’s head was incredibly clouded that day, he looked at the blue sky as he ran home, maybe the clouds left the sky for his head.

Eventually the sobbing boy had made it to his front garden. Two of his younger brothers passing a football between each other, his younger sisters sunbathing and his other brother, well he was probably drawing in his bedroom. His parents gave him a worried, yet comforting smile as he entered the house, he smiled back before running up to his little brothers’ room. As Jack thought, Danny was sat drawing on his bed,  
“Hey buddy, I’m leaving for a bit so here’s something I wrote for you, Alexander and the rest of our family.” Jack kissed the little boy’s forehead and handed him the small piece of paper. “I love you Danny, don’t ever forget that.”

Alex was eating dinner when it happened, he, his mum and his dad were having a normal chat about whatever came into their minds when sirens began to fill the usually quiet air.  
“I’m going to investigate!” He said, fearing the worst. His parents gave him a smile as he put on his shoes and bolted to Jack’s house.  
The sirens had stopped a few minutes ago and now only shouting and crying could be heard, from Jack’s house.  
Alex paused in fear as he entered the street, an ambulance and a police car were parked outside his boyfriend’s house and his whole family were outside crying.  
He turned around and ran back to his own house.  
Jack can’t be hurt.

It was three hours later that his mum got that call.  
“Lillie!” His mum shouted up to him.  
“It’s Alexander!” He sighed.  
“Alex!”  
“Yes!” He shouted, running down the stairs.  
He stopped halfway down, his parents had a mix of sympathy and sadness gracing their faces,  
“It’s your friend Jack.” His mum said.  
“Jack is dead.” His dad said.  
Everything else was a blur of running and sobs.

Jack was gone.  
Well and truly gone.

19th October 2008

Alex pulled Phil into a hug, this can’t be it. Dan can’t be dead. The Howells can’t loose another son so young.  
Dan was eleven, he had barely lived a decade. He didn’t deserve to die.  
He had so much more he had to do in life, he was so young and so nice.  
Dan couldn’t be dead.  
Alex grabbed Phil’s hand and dragged him across the road. He let go as soon as they got to the garden, Phil stayed at the entrance but Alex went to find someone, if Dan was in hospital, dead or alive, they were fucking going.

“Excuse me sir.” He said to one of the police men who stood at the front door.  
“What are you doing, son?” The man asked.  
Alex didn’t answer. “Where is Ja-Daniel Howell?” He asked.  
“I can’t tell anyone but family, get on your way, boy.”  
“Please, he’s my boyfriend’s brother.” Alex pleaded, he didn’t care if said boyfriend was dead. He was still his boyfriend’s brother.  
“He’s in hospital, now please stop bothering us.” The man was clearly pissed.  
He mumbled a quick “sorry” before bolting it to Phil.  
“He’s in hospital.”  
Phil sighed of relief, his best friend was alive.

On October nineteenth two thousand and eight eleven year old Daniel Howell was hospitalised after his left wrist was severely wounded.

31st October 2008.

It was a Friday night and Alex, Dan and Phil were having the time of their lives in Alex’s back garden, there was thirty people at this party. It was massive for an eleven or twelve year old. Everyone was happily dancing or getting drunk in their shitty halloween costume (despite 90% of them being underage). Alex was grinding up against some girl, they were both decently drunk, drunk enough that they had thrown up in bins. And Dan and Phil were in the corner, Phil had Dan pressed up against a fence.  
“I love you.” Phil smiled, their noses practically touching.  
“Fuck you.” Dan giggled, don’t give an eleven year old half a can of cider and six bags of sherbet.  
“What’re you saying, Danny.” Dan could feel Phil’s warm breath on his face.  
“I said fuck you.” He laughed.  
“Do you love me?” Phil put his hands around Dan’s waist.  
“Mhmm.” Dan nodded.  
“Really?”  
“Maybe.”

If you had asked Dan when you thought he was gonna have his first proper make out kiss a few months ago, he probably wouldn’t have said a halloween party in his friend’s back garden. But alas,

Dan pulled Phil in towards him, hands arounds his neck and Phil’s around his waist. Their lips instantly crashed together, Phil tasted like fruity sweets and popcorn, he could tell he was wearing cherry chapstick though.  
Dan tasted like sherbet with a tinge of alcohol, Phil loved it.   
Dan’s hands moved up to Phil’s face, he pushed a strand of orange hair out of his face. Dan gave him one last kiss before Phil’s attention turned to Dan’s neck.  
Clearly, Phil had done this before.  
Dan made a noise unlike anything he’d ever made before, because of course, Dan had never moaned before.  
Dan put his hands back on Phil’s jaw once his head tilted back up, he smiled and kissed Phil on the lips.  
Phil intertwined their fingers and they sat down, once they were down, Phil leaned over Dan again. Dan put his legs in a basket and Phil straddled him, kissing him.  
Every time they took a break for air they’d look into each other’s eyes in complete adoration.

Eventually they had switched places and Dan was asleep on Phil’s chest, the older of the two sat twirling the younger’s curly brown hair. It was so pretty, he loved it. He just wanted to sit like this forever. He just wanted to love and kiss Dan forever.


	4. Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suicide/self harm warning

December 14th 2008.

November was a boring month except from bonfire night really, Phil kissed Dan under the fireworks and Alex made out with Lisa (his “one night stand” from Halloween) again. Phil and Dan kissed in some laser tag arena but nonetheless, everyone still hated November and couldn’t wait for the excitement of New Year, Christmas and several birthdays, the first of which was today.

December fourteenth two thousand and eight was Alexander Gaskarth’s seventeenth birthday.

They spent the first few hours at Jack’s grave. The dragonflies were still there, even in the cool, winter, Scottish air.

“It’s hard to believe you’ll be seventeen in a few weeks. We still miss you loads, the dragonflies are still here and I think your brother is in love. I swear to god, Jack. Dan is in love with Phil and Phil is in love with him too. It’s my birthday today, I really wish you were here.” Alex sighed as he heard Dan and Phil’s footsteps get louder.

After they had all ranted to the boy that couldn’t reply or even listen they went back to Alex’s for pizza and Mario Kart.

It was half way through a slice of ham and mushroom pizza that Phil found the courage to say it,

“I’m gay.” He smiled, shoving his face with more pizza.

“And let me guess, you like Dan?” Alex grinned, hugging his friend.

“Wow! No shit Sherlock!” He laughed.

Both boys looked at Dan who had stopped eating in shock, “boyfriend me up, Lester.” He laughed, chucking the pizza to the side and tackling Phil to the ground.

“Will do, Howell.”

“Phil, I’m telling you, this is the best choice you’ve ever made, Howell boys are the hottest.” Alex laughed.

Three pizzas and several Mario Kart games later and the three boys were watching Titanic in sleeping bags on the floor.  
“I’m sorry Rose I’m gay.” Phil said really dramatically when the room was silent at the “paint me like one of your French girls” scene which sent all three of them into a fit of laughter.  
“Can’t relate.” Dan and Alex said in sync.

Phil made Dan feel accepted and happy. He would live for this boy, this beam of sunshine.

Eventually the movie ended, Alex was crying and Phil was somehow straddling Dan.

“Keep it PG I’m trying to sleep.” Alex laughed, switching off the light and turning over to sleep.

Phil kissed Dan on his mildly chapped lips before pulling him in so he could sleep on his chest.

December 25th 2008.

It was snowing. On Christmas Day, there was no need to say it, everyone was ecstatic.

Lisa had come over from Baltimore to spend time with Alex (who would blush every time she was near him) so he was inside with her, probably exchanging gifts.

Dan and Phil were at Jack’s grave, fingers intertwined, watching the snow fall and the dragonflies swirl around the top of the grave.  
“What do you think it would be like if Jack was still here?” Phil asked.  
“I think he’d have changed his hair back to a seagull poop bowl.” Dan laughed. “We would all be over at Alex’s right now because they couldn’t keep their hands off of each other and Jack and I were joined at the hip.”  
“I’m fucking freezing, can we go now?” Phil said.  
“Sure, man.”  
They left for Alex’s house.

The snow eventually stopped coming down, about the time they chapped the oldest boy’s front door.  
A short, petit teenage girl opened it “who are you?” She said, her accent so American it sounded like an American trying to do an impression of an American.  
“Danny Howell and Phil Lester.” Dan said.  
She slammed the door shut.  
Dan and Phil burst out laughing.  
“Did she really just-.” Dan laughed.  
“Yes! She just fucking slammed the door on us!” Phil practically cackled.  
“Wait there, Philly.” Dan ran over to the living room window and started punching it, “let us in Alex! Alex let us in you wee turd!”  
After a few more minutes of banging and screaming with Phil laughing in the background, Alex opened the door, “you could’ve just chapped.” He laughed.  
“Your stupid, loud American girlfriend shut us out!” They laughed in sync.  
“Come in.” Alex laughed.

They sat in the two empty chairs beside Alex.  
“Alex I have never seen as much turkey, Jesus.” Dan laughed.  
“Listen. It’s fucking good okay.” Phil stuffed his face with a lump of turkey.  
“Agreed.” Alex laughed.

Christmas came to an end not long after they opened the presents at Alex’s house and at Phil’s house and then at Dan’s house.  
Phil and Dan had a sleepover at Phil’s that night.

December 31st 2008.

Dan told Phil and Alex that he needed some “alone time” that day, understandably.  
He should’ve been helping his brother rip open presents on his seventeenth birthday but alas, nope. He didn’t see his brother turn seventeen, he didn’t see him turn sixteen either.  
His brother didn’t see him turn eleven. His brother won’t see him turn anything past ten.

He did lowkey feel bad for leaving Alex alone today but he didn’t really want to speak to anyone today.

Dan lay in his bed, emotionlessly staring at the ceiling.  
Ethan and Jacob were sleeping.  
Jemma and Isabelle were out for the day, probably trying to get away from the depressing air that wouldn’t leave the Howell house today.  
Their parents were downstairs, probably watching some depressing movie.

Dan got up, creeping to the bathroom. This time he would try and not go too far, he picked up the blade he kept in his shower gel and broke the soft skin on his right wrist. The blood trickled down his arm, some dripping onto the floor.  
He loved the sting, the relief that he got from this.  
it was like his own drug.  
Sure, Jack would be disappointed in him but Jack is dead.  
Dan, Jack is gone. Let go of him, Dan.

July 15th 2007.

He was drawing on his bed just like any other day when his older brother came in with a note, for him and a few others. He was confused but he trusted Jack. He always trusted Jack because he was his big brother, his best friend, his idol.  
“Jack! Daniel! It’s dinner!” His mum yelled up, it was a barbecue and he was unbelievably excited. It wasn’t just his family, Lillie and her family were coming too!  
He shut his notepad and sprinted down the stairs and into the back garden.  
“Dan, have you seen Jack?” His dad asked.  
“Not in a while, he gave me a letter and went to the bathroom.”  
His dad got up and left, he ran into the kitchen, at the time he didn’t understand why but when he heard screaming he started to.  
Was Jack dead?  
The weight of maybe loosing his brother broke him, he was only ten, his brother was only fifteen. He couldn’t loose him.

All he could remember was the sobs and the shrieks, the pain that everyone who knew Jack Howell started to go through.  
Why was this seen as graceful in hollywood? This was fucking awful.

December 31st 2008.

He wiped the floor and his arm, putting his blade back where it belongs.  
He remembered how awful it felt for everyone else but Jack was great and he wasn’t, so if he did something just like Jack people probably wouldn’t care.   
Phil spent his whole life without him fine.  
Alex had Lisa.  
His parents had other children.

Things would be better without him.

The only issue was, how do you kill yourself?

January 1st 2009.

Alex hugged Phil tight when the clock struck midnight, they were down in his living room with his and Phil’s family.  
“Happy 2009!” They all yelled.

Alex loved New Year, it was always so positive and happy. It was truly one of his favourite days.

The rest of the night was just a normal drunk family party except Phil couldn’t get drunk for another few years.

“Have you heard from Dan today?” Alex asked.  
“No.” Phil replied, slightly worried.  
“Okay, uh do you wanna check the graveyard?” Alex asked.  
“Sure.”   
With that the two boys began running towards the graveyard.

“We’re gonna have to jump the fence.” Phil said, climbing up it, Alex following closely behind.

As they hoped, the youngest of the trio was asleep next to the grave of his older brother.

“Should we wake him?” Phil asked.

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

They didn’t, they just walked over and sat by him.  
They didn’t want to cause him any upset.

January 30th 2009.

Dan didn’t come to see Phil on his birthday.  
As little as that sounded, it felt massive. His favourite person couldn’t even be bothered to see Phil on his birthday.  
The last time they properly saw each other was Christmas, sure, they saw each other at New Year but as soon as Dan saw them he ran away.

Dan was in his bedroom, cd player blaring. He was unhappy to say the least, at this point he would even say he was depressed.  
He didn’t understand why, he just stopped wanting to wake up in the morning, and not the “I want to sleep through school” kind of not wanting to wake up, the “I wish I could just sleep and never wake up” kind.  
He knew he should visit Phil on his birthday but he couldn’t even be bothered to change the cd, hence why Take Off Your Pants And Jacket was on it’s fourth play through. 

Dan was fed up being alive, just like his brother was at this time two years ago.

Alex and Phil were having the time of their lives playing Mario Kart with Phil’s cousins, Caleb and Calum.  
They ate three pizzas and five bags of popcorn and drank three two litre bottles of fizzy juice.  
Caleb was the crowned the Mario Kart champion at the end of the night.  
Once Phil’s cousins went home him and Alex played street fighter until the sun came up, in short, his thirteenth birthday was a success.


	5. Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suicide/self harm trigger warning

March 12th 2009.

February didn’t hold much to be happy about, for Dan anyway. He just moped and sulked, wishing a train would just magically enter his bedroom window and run him over.   
He spent his entire time at school being teased and beaten by aggressive pricks with chode ties and hedgehog hair.

Alex and Phil still didn’t know what was up with Dan, they hadn’t heard from him in like, a month. They were worried a bit but his sisters kept reassuring them every morning at the train station that he was alive and well.  
Knowing that Dan was fine gave them time to grow their friendship. They ended up being practically joint at the hip, they were best friends. Closer than Dan and Phil, dare say, closer than Dan and Jack.  
Unbeknownst to the other boys, Dan was unwell. He wasn’t doing good in any way. But he couldn’t be bothered talking to anyone so he just let them get on with their lives as he got on with his.

March twelfth was the day the silence broke, Alex and Phil were having another Mario and Pizza night when the doorbell rang and there stood none other than Daniel Howell. His hair was long and greasy, a mess atop his head. He had large eye bags and his skin was pale, he didn’t look one bit as fine as his sisters made him out to be.  
“My mum is having another kid.” He said, his voice emotionless and slightly raspy.  
“Why is that a bad thing?” Alex asked.  
“Because she’s probably just replacing me, I’m a fucking failure, Alexander, a fucking failure.” He sighed, Alex let him in and took him up to his room where Phil was.

“Danny!” Phil grinned, jumping up and hugging Dan. “Where’ve you been!” He smiled, kissing his boyfriend.  
“Wishing I was dead.” Dan pushed Phil away and sat on Alex’s floor.  
“You wanna play?” Alex offered him a controller, he bluntly refused.  
Alex couldn’t help but think about the other Howell boy who was once sat there, looking the exact same, acting the exact same. Needless to say he was worried that within this year Daniel Howell would be dead.

27th January 2007.

Lillie sighed, this was the third day in a row Jack had acted like this. He wasn’t smiling or acting like usual, his hair was a greasy mess and his skin wasn’t it’s usual tan colour, it was pale and a sick-y colour.  
His brown eyes were no longer full of life and he refused to do anything but cry and occasionally listen to blink-182. Specifically Adam’s Song.  
It hurt Lillie to see someone she cared so much about be hurting so bad, helping Jack was what she devoted her time to. No longer was she trying to figure out why she felt like a he or why she was so incredibly uncomfortable with her life and body, she was trying to cheer up the boy she loved so dearly.

“Your brother needs you.” Lillie said. “Don’t leave him.”

“He has his sisters, he has Ethan and Jay too.” Jack sighed.

“But he needs his Jack. No one can replace you, we need you. We love you.”

Jack just sighed again and put in his earbuds, Lillie could hear the soft sounds of Adam’s Song.

March 12th 2009.

Dan looked just like Jack, he was sat in the same spot too. It hurt Alex, it hurt Alex so much.

“Dan, I don’t know if you need to hear this or not but, we need you. None of us could cope loosing you, your parents would be distraught, you know how you feel about Jack? That’s how Ethan and Jacob will feel about you. Nothing would be the same without Daniel Howell. We love you.” Alex said.

Dan simply got up and left, he didn’t believe him.

May 11th 2009.

“Dannnnniel, be happy for our birthday pleaseeee.” Jacob pleaded, Ethan stood beside him.  
Dan was laying on his bed, facing away from his brothers, he made a grunt and closed his eyes again.  
“We don’t have Jack but we have you, come on.” Ethan said.

This should’ve shown Dan how much people cared about him, they should’ve been downstairs opening presents but they were up here pleading for Dan to come and spend time with them, but it didn’t.

“Dan come on, we can go see Jack later.” Jacob said.  
“Fuck off, queers.” Dan grumbled, getting up and walking out of the house.

Jacob and Ethan knew they weren’t the nicest to Dan, but that’s how they thought they should act. Everyone who was “friends” with them acted like that to them, apparently it made them happy. So why shouldn’t they do it to their brother to make themselves happy when the people at school brought them down?

Despite the way they acted, they loved Dan. They looked up to him and Jack. They idolised them. Neither of them could imagine loosing the only brother they had left.

Dan didn’t come home for three days.

May 14th 2009.

Three days. That was how long Daniel Howell was missing for, eventually he did come home but he didn’t speak to anyone.  
No matter how loudly you tried to speak to him, he wouldn’t answer with more than a grunt.

The bullying at his school got worse too around this time, it went from just a few punches to him not being able to leave a locked toilet cubicle in fear of being knocked out and beaten.

June 11th 2009.

Dan’s parents invited Alex and Phil over in the hopes it would cheer Dan up, it didn’t.

“Come on Dan, you have to move at some point.” Alex said.

Dan just turned over in his bed. 

“Dan, please. It’s your birthday. You have presents downstairs, come on.” Phil pleaded.

It took them two hours but eventually Dan moved, to the bathroom. Where he locked himself in and refused to come out.

He was angry. Fuming. Not at his brothers, not at his friends, at himself. He just wanted to jump from the top of a hundred storey building or burn himself alive. He just wanted to inflict the most pain possible on himself. He deserved it. 

“Fucking piece of shit.” Dan mumbled, lifting his forearm up, he dug a few of his nails in and began scratching. He scratched until he bled, until there was a layer of skin gone.   
The sting was what he needed, it felt like burning.

Eventually, Alex and Phil left. They just felt awkward. Dan’s parents were clearly stressed with what he was doing and having two random teenagers in the house probably wasn’t helping.

“I’m breaking up with Dan.” Phil said, breaking the silence he and Alex walked in.  
“I mean, I understand but you need to try and help him somehow, a break up will just break him further. It could kill him.” Alex shrugged.  
“I doubt it, he’s strong. He doesn’t even want us anymore. He doesn’t want or need anyone.”

July 10th 2009.

School ended on June thirtieth. Phil and Alex hadn’t spoke to Dan since the flop that was, his birthday.  
They hadn’t even seen him leave the house.  
Phil and Alex, their families and Dan’s family went out for dinner to celebrate Alex finishing high school, Dan stayed home.

At this point Phil, Alex and Dan were less like best friends and more like strangers with history.

Phil and Alex of course, spent a ton of time together as usual. They went to a theme park, they went swimming, they went ice skating, they went to the cinema.

But no matter what they did or how much fun they had, they missed Dan.

“Should we go see him?” Alex asked, they were sat on the swings at the park.  
“Yeah.” Phil agreed.

It was a sunny day, warm, not as breezy as it had been the past few days.

When Dan heard the doorbell sound and heard his mum say “Alex and Phil” he decided he might just go see them, if it made them happy, that’s what he’d do. He even let Ethan and Jacob join them.

The five boys decided to ride a train to the city to go swimming,  
Dan felt okay for the first time in months.

Alex was in an old Green Day shirt and the brightest orange trunks anyone had ever seen, Phil was in some navy blue and white flowery trunks, Ethan and Jacob were in matching green ones and Dan was in a black shirt and black trunks.

“Dan, I hate you!” Ethan yelled after Dan had pushed him in, Alex then pushed Dan in and a splash fight engaged. Jacob and Phil teamed up and canon balled to splash them all.

They spent an hour or two jumping in and going down slides and then they did a whole racing championship, Dan left early though, causing the youngest boys to throw some sort of tantrum because Dan got their hopes up only to leave again.

Ethan tried his hardest to not take Dan for granted, he didn’t want Dan to die nor did he think Dan was but since he took Jack for granted in his opinion, he didn’t want to take his other older brother for granted.

So, he jumped out of the pool and caught up with Dan.  
“Can we get a McDonald’s?” He asked when he got to Dan’s side.  
“Yeah, you can.” Dan sighed.  
“No, I mean can we, Dan. You and me.” Ethan pleaded. “Please.”   
After approximately another twenty minutes of begging, they went for a McDonald’s.

“I’m sorry for being a dick.” Ethan said once they had sat down, Dan just grunted. “You’re my favourite sibling.”  
Dan, once again, grunted. Why would he believe Mr “shut up, you wee queer” aka Ethan Mitchell Howell.

They sat in an awkward silence for a little, “is it weird that I prefer my middle name to my actual name, name.” Ethan said.  
“I don’t know, I haven’t really thought about it.” Dan answered, taking another bite from his burger.  
“Do you think I’d suit Mitch? I think you’d suit James.” He barely got to finish his sentence when the rest of the group walked in, Phil yelling “we’re reunited!”  
“We’re discussing wether our middle names suit us or not.” Ethan said, Dan nodding.  
“I’d be James, he’d be Mitch.” Dan said.  
“I’d be Micheal.” Phil said.  
“William.” Alex said.  
“Alexander.” Jacob said.  
“Okay so, I’m Mitch, Dan is James, Phil is Mikey, Alex is Liam and Jay is Zander.” Ethan giggled.  
“I think Liam suits ‘Lex.” Dan said, pointing at Alex.  
“James suits Dan.” Jacob added.  
“Ethan looks like a Mitch.” Phil said.  
“James definitely suits Dan.” Alex agreed.

July 15th 2009.

Two whole years.

Dan wasn’t as sad as you’d think he’d be, he just asked Phil if they could camp at the graveyard until their one year friend-iversary.

“I never really thought that you’d come tonight.” Dan said.  
“I never thought you would either, honestly.” Phil admired Dan again, just like he did the afternoon they met. “I missed you.”  
“I missed you too.” Dan said, he leaned in and kissed the other boy’s cheek.  
“You’re far too young to die.”  
“Yeah.” Dan giggled, flipping a bit of hair out of his face. He was illuminated by the dull graveyard lights, they were sat on camping chairs outside of their tent.  
They watched as the ill-illuminated dragonflies swirled around Jack’s grave.

“I love you.” Dan said, smiling at his boyfriend.  
“I love you too.” Phil smiled, kissing him.

August 17th 2009.

School started on August seventeenth, this time Dan and Phil would be going to the same school, Alex wouldn’t be. He was starting college the following August.

Dan was petrified. Bullies were bad enough at primary and for some fucking reason Dan stood out as a target.

The journey was alright, nothing special.

Phil’s day was average, no one really paid much attention to him, no one bothered him but Dan on the other hand, he had a black eye after first period. After sixth he had a broken wrist.

“Danny! What happened!” Phil ran to Dan, who was clutching his stomach behind the wall at the bus stop.  
“Nothing.” Dan said, trying to get up. He screamed in pain before falling back down.  
“I’ll phone my mum.” Phil said, sitting down next to Dan.

Phil’s mum arrived thirty minutes later, shocked at the state of Dan.  
An hour later and they were at the emergency room.  
Ten minutes later, Dan was in being seen.  
Half an hour later they knew what was wrong and Dan ended up with a week off of school.

September 19th 2009.

They reckoned autumn started on the nineteenth of September, leaves began to turn a golden-red-orange colour.  
They spent a good few hours jumping in and crushing leaves, holding to the last few “getting dark late” nights.

The graveyard always looked pretty in autumn, Lisa and Alex and Dan and Phil taking advantage of this.

Alex dyed his hair pink on the nineteenth, “I’ll dye it lilac next month.” He laughed.  
“I’ll bleach mine then.” Dan laughed.

As October approached, they began binging horror movies and searching for Halloween costumes. The end of 2009 was looking good.

Of course, they also started buying sweets.

October 8th 2009.

They all found out that the new Howell baby was due soon on the eighth and Dan felt shitty to say the least, not because of the news he had received, he just didn’t feel like moving at all. He spent the majority of the day in his bed, crying and ranting into his pillow, “I don’t see the point in recovery anymore, I’ll never be truly loved. I mean, I’m a disgrace. I’m the kind of people your family members gossip about in hushed voices, that guy your uncle called a “bum basher”, the one your gran said “wasn’t like a normal person”, the one your aunt called an “it”.”

When things were like this, he missed Jack the most. Jack was his light, even though he had Alex and Phil now, Jack was still his number one. His favourite person.

Long story short, Daniel was back where he was a few months ago. The same place his brother was in almost three years ago.


	6. Five/Final

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Massive suicide/self harm warning

October 19th 2009.

The day Daniel Howell died wasn’t your normal Disney “someone has died” day, it was a sunny autumn day, the leaves were golden and crispy, falling from the trees with every soft gust of wind. The breezes like the ones of a year ago when Dan and Phil met.  
It was a more “someone has gotten married to the prince of their dreams” day.  
There were a lot of dragonflies out that day, a few had flown into Alex’s room, Phil’s room, Dan’s room and Dan’s living room. Landing on the arms and hands of the people Dan had loved most, coincidently.

Phil woke up around ten, it was the first day of the October week. No school for a whole week.  
He could feel a breeze coming through his bedroom window, a leaf falling from the tree beside the window and the sun shining in brightly. He could smell the scent of bacon coming from downstairs.  
He got dressed and had some pancakes for breakfast, he was going to Alex’s later. Dan and Lisa were coming too, for a movie night.  
His halloween costume had arrived earlier on, it was a charmander onesie because he was unoriginal and couldn’t think of anything.  
Alex was supposed to be going in a squirtle onsie and Dan in his trademark skeleton costume.  
He was beyond excited for Halloween, Dan’s new little sibling was due as well so, safe to say, October was going to be good.

“Where’s Dan?” Phil asked, walking into Alex’s living room where he and Lisa were sat watching something.  
“Don’t know, haven’t seen him. Go ‘round in a bit.” Alex said as Phil sat beside them. Lisa switched on the movie they were gonna watch, Bridge To Terabithia. Technically it was a kids movie but apparently it was emotionally wrecking and amazing.

The movie was amazing, it ended with all three of them in tears. Leslie and Jess deserved better okay.

They spent the next few hours binging movies and eating popcorn.

They eventually heard a chap at the window, they expected to see Dan but instead they saw Ethan who had a worried look on his face.  
Alex answered the door, “you guys seen Dan?” He asked.  
“No..?” Alex was slightly worried as Dan hadn’t been the best the past few days.  
“Fuck.” Ethan mumbled, turning around and running back to his house.  
His head was spinning, Dan had left around six this morning and now it was well past five in the evening.

“Is he there?” His mum asked as he ran into the house.  
“N-no. They h-haven’t s-seen him either.” Ethan stuttered.

Alex and Phil concentrated on the movie, trying not to get distracted by their gut feelings. Something was wrong, they didn’t know what but there was something.  
After panicking and attempting to watch a movie for a good a hour, Alex’s phone rang.  
“Hey, ‘Lex.” The boy on the other end of the line said, Phil could hear an American accent slightly, the phone wasn’t on speaker so it was a bit muffled.  
“Hey man.” Alex was blushing??  
“I was thinking you could come to Baltimore with Lisa over Christmas, Rian is coming and so is my friend Zack is coming too, we could start ATL?” The American on the phone said.  
“Sure, Jack, I’ll tell Lis.” Alex had a grin the size of a large country on his face, “Lisa, we are going to Baltimore! Okay bye, Jack, I love you.”  
Who the fuck is Jack.

The group finished their movie, Alex was on cloud nine as his super cute and funny friend, Jack, had just invited him and Lisa to Baltimore for Christmas so they could start their band.

“We should go tell Dan!” Alex grinned.

The trio walked to Daniel’s house only to find that his whole family was out, they just went back to Alex’s.

As Alex walked through the door, Lisa and Phil following, he heard his dad say something that caught his attention, “did you hear? That’s another one of the Howell boys away.”  
“Oh, really?” His mum said in a sad tone.  
“Yup, Daniel, passed away this morning.”

Alex felt tears begin to form, Phil just stood in stunned shock, Lisa stood with a blank expression, not sure what to think or say.  
“Dad? Really?” Alex asked.  
“I’m sorry, son.” He nodded with a sad look.

Dan was dead.

October 22nd 2009.

Dan had taken his own life four days ago, his little brother was born that day. Aaron Jack Daniel Howell was born on October twenty-second two thousand and nine.  
AJ’s birth seemed to lighten the mood slightly, in Phil’s eyes it gave them something to think about that wasn’t a twelve year old’s funeral.

Alex and Lisa were leaving for Baltimore on the twenty-sixth, they decided it would be better to leave early. Even if it was two months early, Alex could just stay at Lisa’s instead of Jack’s for a bit.

It also just happened that Dan’s funeral was the day before they left.

October 31st 2009.

Halloween. Phil was supposed to be at a party right now, instead he was sat in front of Jack and Dan’s grave with Ethan.  
“I wish Dan and Jack could’ve seen AJ.” Ethan sighed.  
Phil nodded, “shouldn’t you be trick or treating with Jacob?”  
“Didn’t feel like it.”  
“Understandable.”  
Ethan unplugged the headphones in his mp3 and turned up the volume of “sing for absolution” by Muse.  
The boys sat in a comfortable silence as they listened to Matt Bellamy’s singing and watched the dragonflies fly.

“He left this note, I’ve read it. I was saving it for you and Alex.” Ethan said.

It was half a page long, Phil was crying before the first sentence was over.  
The note finished with “and if I ever need to say something, there’ll be a dragonfly, I’ll be waiting for you where the dragonflies fly.”

Where do the dragonflies fly? Where Jack Logan and Daniel James lie. That’s where the dragonflies fly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was utter shit but feedback would still be appreciated.


End file.
